Meh Mhar Meh


I’m almost back in proper form. Not knowing what was wrong with me was really stressing me out. When I get stressed out my anxiety starts to talk smack to me. When my anxiety has me cornered in the alley telling me I wear strange shoes and have a funny looking nose I basically shut-down. I keep getting better at dealing with that though. Back in the day when my life was a long string of unhappy health woes that I juggled with some seriously defeating life moments, shutting down meant shutting the fuck down. I talk about a lot of things and yet I still have trouble talking about the way I struggle sometimes to function like a normal human being. I don’t say that for dramatic effect, I truly believe that. I’m not a get up and get stuff done kind of person. I’m a sit for a bit overthinking what I have to do until the stress of it is giving me a tummy ache and having to push myself to get up and out of the house to do it kind of person.

That aside, I did find out what has been killing me the last two months and hindering my normal eating processes. I knew it was my gallbladder. I wish it hadn’t taken two trips to the doctor to find that out. I went when I first got back from Michigan because that side pain was getting so bad and coming and going with more regularity. And I was starting to find it near impossible to eat anything without filling up three bites in or getting sick. My regular doctor was gone though so I saw his partner. She had a way cheerier personality but she chalked up my problems to torn muscles because of my physical activity (I like to knock the snot out of the boxing bag we have in the basement now) and my tummy woes was probably it balking at the exotic foods I had at my brother’s wedding reception. So I went home and followed her instructions (icy-hot, heating pad, dumbing my diet down if that were even possible at this point) and see how it went. It went worse. Went back and saw my actual doctor and he sent me for an ultrasound.

It was as I feared: That little effing bean-shaped organ is having a hissy fit. Thankfully it is not so far along that they feel it needs to be removed. We’ll try some non-invasive things first. He told me those bad pain spells I had with the itching were most likely gallbladder attacks and I really should have gone to the Urgent Care for them. Ah well. I’ve resigned myself to going back to protein shakes to get the calories I need. When I sat down and kept track of what my daily protein and calorie in take has been I was shocked. My normal is about 900 to 1000. With my physical activity and things I eat that keeps me in a place where I lose three to four pounds a month. Which is slug slow, but hey–fast weight-loss is one of the reasons the gallbladder gets pissy. It spends all day at the end of the liver’s bile conveyor belt. There’s supposed to be at least so much food stuff throughout the day to give it something to do with that bile. When you don’t have that, it has nothing to do with that bile but find creative ways to pretty it up. Or at least that’s a less gross way of sharing what I was told. At any rate, I haven’t been getting anywhere near my normal daily calories. Shocker that I’ve been exhausted and feeling like crap. With my tummy issues I’ve actually lost a dress size worth of weight. I’d be more happy about that if it didn’t come from me basically starving my body of the stuff it needs.

After a couple of days of protein shakes, forcing myself to try and eat more often if in smaller amounts, and having my anxiety pull back its alley shank and let me run away, I’m feeling better. I got my ass up and cleaned the house, that’s a good start. I’m opening my online shoppe back up after a bit of vacation mode. Although the inboxes I cover for email is rather frightening at the moment. Time to grab some ice-tea, put something inane on the television set, and settle into response writing mode. In other words, back to normal!